Feel sorry for myself- me?

An innocent picture of the teen at the school's Midsummer Ball last night.

But if you are eagle eyed ( or not as the case maybe) you will spot he is on crutches.

On Friday, as I was settling down to my post chemotherapy sleep the phone went. Teen had sprained his ankle badly. Could I take him to urgent care to get an xray? The school nurse was concerned- it was badly swollen. Perhaps broken?

Ever had a moment when you wanted to scream and yell and shout NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This is the second bad sprain in three weeks.

Ever feel like it's raining, it's pouring. I fancied having a tantrum. Instead, it was off to the urgent care centre and an xray. They are hoping it isn't broken but can't tell til Wednesday this week because of the swelling. He seems happy enough and isn't in pain. He is missing work experience but is getting to revise for exams next week instead ( every cloud?)....

He still got to the Midsummer Ball. He danced on crutches. As you do. It's just a question of getting on with it isn't it? Looking for the best in a challenging situation.

Onwards and upwards. It is scan and results week for me- please send prayers for a good outcome. I will post at the weekend.

A new post but showing up in the wrong place

I have put another post up. Please look at the one before the FBI job post. I can't work out how to change the date on a post that has been started on earlier. Help on this please. Thanks. Enjoy the meme.

Job at the FBI

Job at the FBI


The FBI had an opening for an assassin.

After all the background checks, interviews
and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.


For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed
him a gun.



'We must know that you will follow your
instructions no matter what the circumstances.



Inside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'



The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'



The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'



The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was
quiet for about 5 minutes.



The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't
have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'



Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one
after another. They heard screaming, crashing,
banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was
quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.



'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
Beat him to death with the chair.'



MORAL:



Women are creative problem solvers. Don't mess with them

a meme- thanks to French Leave

( Picture- Mount Rainier- Seattle from our holidays last year- fabulous eh?)

I got this from a blog called French Leave and thought it was rather interesting. Anyone else fancy a go?

What music/tribe defined you as a teenager?
I loved ( loved!) the Police and Sting, and punk.

Urban or rural?
Rural mostly but not too much. I wouldn't like to live anywhere too remote. What I like about where we live is it is a great combination of scenery, but there are lots of shops, restaurants and things to do. We can be in fabulous remote countryside in five minutes, or busy madness by the lake in the same amount of time.

Worst relative story?
What? On a public page? Hardly!
Seriously - I have a very small family and they are all lovely. Very lucky

What are you reading at the moment?
Load of books on the go. Even more than usual! Here's a few:

Shattering the cancer myth - Katrina Ellis - lots of good information

Northanger Abbey- Jane Austen

The White Witch- Phillipa Gregory

Who pushed/inspired you to start blogging?

Expat Mum

You have her to blame- heh heh ( and it was inspired)

Are you a learner or a teacher?
I don't think you can be a teacher if you are not a learner. I would like to think I am both. I have 'taught' for a long time, and have always been committed to my development.

What is your pet hate?
At the moment it's the horns on the World Cup matches- sounds like a hive of bees. So annoying.
Millionare socialists get on my nerves as well. Spouting about social conscience and fairness with thirty million in the bank.

Swanky bars, and sawdust on the floor affairs?
Former always. Dislike latter immensely.

What will you be doing while the football world cup is on?
Watch it mostly- but those horns are putting me off!

What picks you up when you're down?


My mum. Spending time with my other half and lovely teenager. Coffee with my friends. Going to lovely shops. Wine! Talking to resourceful positive and optimistic people



Indian or China...we're talking tea here, not economics...


I like both and drink both



What do you value most about blogging?


It is like a diary for me. I love it when I find out family and friends are reading ( even if not commenting). I love my longstanding blog buddies. It is a really supportive community.



What can't you bring yourself to throw out of your wardrobe?


I love leggings. Too old for them for sure- but they are sooooooooooo comfortable! And handy




Would you rather someone didn't ask your views on controversial issues?



I don't mind a bit. As long as they don't mind a controversial answers!



Do you recommend people..and then wish you hadn't? A couple of times I have recommended colleagues who I trusted to clients and it turned out to be a disaster. But usually it works really well. I have learnt from it.



Do you own up to reading light novels, or hide them under the cushions if visitors arrive?


I don't read them. Not snobbery but I just don't. I like mags like Hello and OK though



Content with your own company or gregarious?


I am very gregarious but increasingly happy with my own company.



One thing which would noticeably improve your life.


Better health. But really I am very blessed indeed. I have people to love and people who love me. It doesn't get any better than that.





My questions are:

1. If you could only visit one foreign country which one would it be?





2. Ironing or hoovering?





3. Football or rugby?





4. Have you kept any soft toys from childhood?





5. What is your favourite film and why?





6. What is your idea of an entertaining evening?





7. Do you have a favourite place?





8. Extravagant or thrifty?





9. What is your favourite shop?





10. School day memories. Happy or sad?
    

There's more than a grain of truth in this...........

This is funny & obviously written by a former Soldier ....


I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists.
You can't be older than 42 to join the military.
They've got the whole thing backwards.
Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.
You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:- Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds.
Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry'
We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some ratbag that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m.
Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell.
Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them.
In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys..
We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food.
We've also developed an appreciation for guns.
We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however.
I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too.
I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl.
He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists.
The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

How about recruiting Women over 50 ....in menopause!
You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God!
If nothing else, put them on border patrol....
They'll have it secured the first night!

Looking for trouble or looking for blessings?

Another fab photo taken by our very good friend Martin- thanks for letting me use it.

My mum and I often laugh about the fact that we don't have to look for trouble in our family because it always finds us easily. Anyone else know that feeling?

What we have learnt over the years is that it is easy to look through the prism of life and experience one problem and challenge after another. It is very daunting. But we have always learnt that if you look for blessings these are there too. Every day and even in the most trying of circumstances. It is a much better frame through which to see life. No doubt about it.

Some examples. Yesterday evening I found out that my chemotherapy has been delayed another week at least because of my blood count. This happened last time. I should be going in today as an inpatient for chemo cycle number three. So teddy and toothbrush are unpacked again. I told quite a few folk straight away as they were involved in the inevitable logistics of the week, and I received lots of texts and messages saying how sorry people are for me about it. I appreciate their kindness and concern. They think I will be keen to get on with my treatment,and to some extent they are right... but....

There is an element of disappointment and frustration in there, but it is just an element. It is is what it is, and what will be, will be. I decided at the beginning of this stage of the journey that I would just go with the flow, just float along in the river of life and not cling to the sides too much. It is a strategy that is working well for me. It is less tiring and frustrating than fighting every inch of the way.

My wonderful friend B is here to see me from Seattle ( yes- Seattle USA- she came over for a week to see me and her son). The postponement means I get to spend another day with her. She was our matron of honour and is teenager's Godmother and one of my oldest friends. It is a great support for me to have her here. We can spend more time catching up and drinking coffee. Excellent. She leaves on Thursday.

The delay is much better for other half. He is around much more next week and will be here while I get my treatment which takes pressure off the system all round. Much more relaxing for me while I am recovering from the impact of the treatment. Much less strain on him.

I get the chance to look after teenager while the rest of this exam week works its way through. I will be here to pick up, drop off and cook lovely healthy brain boosting food.

I can spend time with mum going to drink coffee at Blackwell House or Marks and Spencers. I can drive about and feel vaguely normal for a while longer. My brain is sharp, and my energy is great. I will still have hair for at least another ten days or so. I can go to Church on Sunday. I can have coffee after school drop off with my school mum friends tomorrow, Friday and next Monday.

And next week, I will probably get my treatment. It is waiting for me, and next week I will even more prepared, and stronger.

Sometimes it takes a magnifying glass to spot the privileges and benefits in a diffcult situation. I know this very well, but I getting to be a master at it, and it is definitely the best way and the only way to live in my opinion. Call it silver lining spotting, call it frustatingly optimistic, call it deluded. It maybe all of those things, but it really works.

High and Low Pressure

For those of you who have visited the English Lakes, it doesn't take me to tell you that we are rather blessed with amazing scenery. Walk around the corner, or drive around the next bend and your senses are assaulted by something fabulous and inspiring. It is no surprise that folk travel from far and wide just to soak in all the marvellous sights.

However, there are disadvantages to living in such a great place. The first one is tourists, but it goes with the territory of course. I am pretty sanguine about it at the moment, but ask me again in August...............it's not the people ( mostly), it's the cars and parking. Sigh.

The other disadvantage and 1000x worse than the tourists is the low pressure weather systems which come in and hang around. We have had a lot of low pressure here recently. Grey cloudy skies that feel if they are touching the top of your head, and a heavy soporific atmosphere which seems to encourage pro-crastination and irritability. It was a pretty rare situation when I lived on the North East coast- the sky always seems higher and more expansive, and the winds kept everything very fresh. But here sometimes..............inertia. It is unpleasant. It is a 'being surrounded by lakes and mountains' issue.... but....

It was very much like it yesterday............very wet. very dark, unpleasantly sticky and heavy. Everyone seemed to be moping about. AND THEN SUDDENLY- it lifted. At about eight pm. The sun came out, the skies lightened, the rain stopped and energy lifted.

So much so that other half and I decided to go out for a walk by the lake. We met some friends who have a cafe down there and they had suddenly decided ' to do some late evening jobs'. There they were with tool kits and drills happily doing bits and bobs. Families were milling around feeding ducks, tourists were out with cameras. It was busy. It was buzzing. On the way back we saw two more friends in their car with two cups of tea. They had put cling film over the top of the cups and had driven down to the lake to enjoy the view, rather than sit in front of the tv. We had such a laugh.
We got back in at half nine. It was spontaneous and fun. Unexpected after a draining energyless day.

And it looks like the high pressure is back again today. Better get going...........

Round two- over!

I am sitting early on Saturday morning, looking over the already pleasingly sunny and bright garden. Teenager is at a sleepover party ( I will never get used to it...) and other half is away to work today.

I am looking forward to a day of post chemotherapy rest. I have had another three sessions this week and that is the second one finished. I was very glad that my blood count was ok to go ahead this time as I was ready to get on with it.

It was not an uneventful week. Last time I had one of the chemotherapies ( cisplatin) in 2006 I had quite a serious allergic reaction to it. I ended up in hospital after the last dose. Unfortunately, the allergic reaction has started again, and after I had it on Wednesday I ended up with a puce face and a spreading rash. When I went in on Thursday they nearly admitted me but after some more drugs and observation I perked up enormously. I am much better now and look like a human being again, rather than something from out of space.

So, next time I will be going in as an 'in patient' the night after the cisplatin day so I can have IV anti- histamine and hydro -cortisone, and be observed. All lot more relaxing for everyone concerned.

Just another little interesting challenge. The fact I have been able to tolerate it at all is a miracle really so every cloud has a silver lining.

And now, I have at least three weeks of re-cuperation ahead. Today I will take it very easy. Maybe go out for a coffee with my mum and sit by the lake, and sleep this afternoon. I am storing up all my energy and strength for the Cartmel Race Meeting next weekend ( bank holiday). We are members of the race-course and it is a lovely happy family time with picnics and friends and lots of fresh air. I am determined to be there putting my bets on with everyone else. Let's hope for great weather.

reprieve!

I ended up not having chemotherapy this week. My blood count wasn't good enough. So I was told 'come back next week.......'. I quickly got my head around it. Another week with hair! Another week of feeling well. And most importantly the chance to spend my wedding anniversary ( sixteen years on Sunday) with other half, having a nice lunch and celebrating without feeling under the weather. Why would I be sorry?
Inconvenience, waiting around, disappointment, changing plans, being able to make very few plans at all, shock and fear all go with a cancer diagnosis. It is so important to take all of it and reframe it quickly. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes kindness to self. But it is important and liberating when you get into the hang of doing it.
I am used to having a busy diary, carefully scheduled, with logistics planned, hotels booked, alarms set and to do lists up to date. Suddenly it is all gone. Suddenly it all seems irrelevant. I thought I was in control, and now I laugh that I ever thought I was. And that it is part of the learning in all this- realising that none of us are. It really is just an illusion! So enjoying something about every day, however challenging that day is, is a good place to start. Getting used to 'going with the flow' and appreciating what you have right now, rather than what will be happening next week, is another good learning point. Especially for me. I concentrate on the moment. It isn't a habit quite yet,but I am getting there.
And all this resting.... and taking it easy, and listening to what my body needs. Different. Interesting.
So life is good here. Tomorrow I will be celebrating sixteen years of a very happy marriage with my lovely husband. We will have a lovely lunch somewhere with teenager, looking out over the lake. What could be better?
I hope you are all having a happy and sunny weekend.

Glenn Harrold

Regular readers may or may not know that my husband is a clinical hynotherapist and NLP specialist ( neuro linguistic programming). I am therefore completely bought into the benefits of hypnotherapy. I do a session every day with my IPOD and headphones.
I have been so pleased at how many people have tried and liked the Creative Visualisation book I recommended the other day, so I thought it maybe good to introduce Glenn Harrold who is a well known hypnotherapist and producer of 'off the shelf' hynotherapy solutions. These can be bought on CD or can be downloaded from his website. The above CD is one of my favourites and I think it is his bestseller.

Hypnotherapy is proven to help people achieve good states of relaxation.It reduces blood pressure, can help sleep patterns and also can help with states of motivation about particular goals, or can aid with phobias and so forth. It is well worth investigating. It is completely safe and can be done in the peace of your own home. The average track is about 30-40 minutes and is much more refreshing than a nap.

I am listening to specific healing tracks, and have one which boosts the immune system. When I lost a lot of weight I listened to weight loss and exercise tracks.

I hope you give it a go and get the benefits I have received from regular use.

To be young again

I could get down but I don't think I could get up again these days..............

Teenager and friends in Germany

My joy and inspiration always. I would walk a thousand miles for one of your smiles!

Creative Visualisation

I promised to start sharing books and resources which have helped or are helping me with my health issues. I would like to start with Shakti Gawain who wrote a great book called Creative Visualisation. It isn't specifically a cancer book- it can help anyone with any issue. It is a positive, uplifting and practical book and it really works well. Books such as this start giving you a strong feeling that you have some control when you feel as if you have very little. Getting control and choice back is such a key part of the healing and learning process I think. I often use the techiques described in the book. I like listening to guided visualisation hypnotic inductions on my ipod using headphones. Very very relaxing and enjoyable.

a favour- please publicise

What a great idea. Here's an advert for my good friend Sandhy's fairy cake fund raising party in Exeter, South West England. Please go if you can. Please sponsor her if you can. Please send her a note of encouragement ( we all can!).

And also, can you publicise the fundraiser and the blog to raise awareness.

Thanks folks- a very worthy and important cause.

Sandhy is a real inspiration to me.

Black Forest Gateau in the Black Forest

Son and heir sent us this picture of cake he had in Birklehof in the Black Forest. Real Black Forest Gateau laced with brandy apparently! And beside it a cup of hot chocolate......... how the other half live.........