The long stay

I am posting from my iPhone! So this won't be a long post. Just to say I have been in hospital since last Thursday! I won't go into the gory details here. Suffice to say there is unstoppable ( at the moment!) bleeding going on. So I am having lots of care and transfusions, and staying in Cumbria until next Tuesday. I will then be taken to London in an ambulance on Tuesday! That's 200 miles folks! From next week the Royal Marsden will look after me. I am being well looked after and will blog when I can. Xx

The second opinion

Since my local hospital had told me that my tumour was inoperable and incurable I came to the decision that I needed a second opinion. It may sound odd, but I did not come to this conclusion quickly or easily. I suppose I have been in shock.

My GP suggested I go the Royal Marsden, a cancer hospital in London with a wonderful reputation. It is a long way to go, but worth every mile.

I have been three times now, and every time I have been impressed. They are friendly, efficient and knowledgable. It is such a relief.

Yesterday they told me that they DO consider me to be a candidate for surgery. I need to have another detailed scan, and more exploratory tests so it is not definite yet. However, if these further diagnostics go well I will be operated on mid September. A major operation. Complicated and challenging, but I feel so blessed to be even given the chance.

I am pretty shellshocked by the news. So is my family. I want to get excited but don't want to get my expectations up too high until I have had the tests which happen at the end of this month.

My advice to anyone out there who isn't happy with a first opinion on a medical matter, take all your courage in your hands and ask for another opinion. Another pair of eyes. I am so glad I did.

The trip to God's own country

We have been to the North East of England for a few days. We were staying with other half's family. We had a lovely time. The weather was pretty moody, but on Thursday it was pretty good so we went to the beach. This is Tynemouth beach and it is very near where I grew up in Tynemouth village.







We went paddling and here is a picture of teenager with his cousin.


We also went to see NUFC ( Newcastle united) at a training session. It was a free event and thousands turned up.

Teenager got his very first season ticket. This means he can go to every home match. He has been over to Newcastle on the train with his friend, so he is hoping to go to lots of matches.

There was a first team player signing session and teenager got lots of autographs and photos, including this one with new signing Sol Campbell.

I love living in the Lake District and can't imagine every moving from such a beautiful place. I am always so happy to be back and inspired every day by the beauty and peace. But Newcastle will always be home.

Two great books

My good friend Ann has lent me these books. I have read them both. They are excellent and I found them inspirational. The sort of books you can't put down. Has anyone read them? Let me know your thoughts if you have.

Since I stopped working I have started to read voraciously again. I am really enjoying it. I would love to hear about any books that you have enjoyed and would recommend.

Regrets.... I have a few....

There is nothing more sobering than sorting out pension paperwork and realising you probably won't be around to take advantage of all that saving up and sensible planning. It makes me think- so what is all about? Life.

As you can see I am in philosophical mood today.

We have been burning old financial paperwork and filing important stuff away. I found a large box of photos and started sorting them out and labelling them.

There are some wonderful ones and I can wait to start scanning so I can start posting a few.

Everything from me at sixteen, college shots, shots of our engagement and teenager as a teeny boy. Holidays, parties, nativity plays and weddings. Where does the time go?

All over in what seems like the blink of an eye. And so much change right in front of my eyes: people who have moved away, people who have died, people who we don't see anymore, people I can hardly remember, people who have divorced, people who have re-married. Fascinating.

And all those different haircuts, and fashions... and remembering how I felt and what I was doing at each stage of my life. What was important, what motivated me, hopes and fears. Memories captured on paper, bringing back lots of different emotions.

It makes me realise what a great life I have had. I have made mistakes and have taken wrong turns, but perhaps these things have made me what I am today. Perhaps they were all part of learning lessons.

The bad things seem miniscule and irrelevant to me now. They are firmly in perspective now. In fact, my main regret is that I worried as much as I did.

Jo update

Teenager in Chicago- summer 2010



Teenager had a wonderful time in Chicago. Here he is at a Chicago Cubs match at Wrigley Field. How lucky is that! I am glad he had a lovely time. Chicago is such a fab place. Thanks again to my very good pal Expat Mum and family.

I have been for a second opinion consultation with the Royal Marsden Hospital in London. It was impressive. Organised and friendly. I felt happy to be there. I told them I had been very poorly after my last lot of chemo and that I wanted a break. They agreed that since it does not appear to be working, I should have a break. They advocate listening to your own body and instincts. Refreshing and hurray. They want to try a different regime further down the line, but not now. What a relief. Chemo is ok if you know it is making a difference. I feel instinctively that this is making no difference at all other than making me ill and down hearted.

Royal Marsden continue to consider options to get me the best possible outcome. To help this I go for a scan next week down in London. I am going to stay with my friend Louise. We were at school together and London flatmates in earlier days. It will be like old times. It will be great fun to be girls together again- shopping and eating I hope... and going to the cinema.

So we are focussing on symptom control and having a happy and fun time at the moment. Especially during August when teenager is off school and on holiday. Not only do I need a holiday- the family do too. Having some normality will be good for all of us.

Meanwhile, three friends of mine are in hospital at the moment. What's going on? Wherever I look someone seems to be struggling.

I am so glad I have my faith. I don't know what I would do without it. I went to a worship session at the Keswick Convention last week. It was uplifting and comforting. When nothing else seems to soothe me my faith brings me peace. Be still, and know that I am God.

Reality time

( Picture taken by my fab photographer sister in law Karen at Christmas 2009- they are both much taller now!) Teenager and his cousin.

I like to post pictures of teenager when I am in need of focus and inspiration. And it has been one of those weeks where I have needed a large dollop of both. Post chemo wasn't much fun for a couple of days. I will spare you the details ( too much information!) but the positive thing is that I feel a lot better and brighter today. Back to fiesty self just about. Sleep is a blessing and I have spent most of my time asleep. I feel like I have come out of hibernation. The weather has been helpful- wet and grey- I haven't felt like I have missed a thing on that front.

And I have had my mum here to look after me. It has been a real comfort. She has been my inspirer and chief caterer in charge (the whims of the chemo patient are pretty astonishing).

And... my letter arrived today from the Royal Marsden Hospital. My appointment is next Friday in their Chelsea hospital. It is a reality now. Trains to organise, accommodation, logistics and diary changes. It starts now. Already, we have time clashes all over the place- this is when keeping focussed on the priority is helpful. And this is it- the priority. So all systems go to make it happen.

Teenager's holiday continues to go brilliantly with lots of exciting treats including water trampolining in Indiana. He leaves Chicago on Monday, and back to mum and dad, jet lagged no doubt on Tuesday. I can't wait to see him. It has been a joy hearing what a great time he is having.

where has she been?

Picture taken in San Juan islands near Seattle on last year's holiday.


I am afraid that google/ blogger decided to lock me out of my blog for a while. It kept saying that my password or user name was wrong. Eventually I tried the 'forgotten password' route and it has worked. Very odd. Anything like that ever happened to anyone else?

Anyway, quite a bit has been happening at this end. I spent a few days last week in Newcastle ( upon Tyne) seeing other half's family. It was a lovely trip. A couple of nights with my mum in law, and then a couple of nights with our friend Martin who has a flat in the city. Other half was working so I had a chance to hit the city centre for a few hours alone. I had a lovely time. Lunch in Yo Sushi, a chocolate shot at a chocolate fountain at Thornton's, coffee in a fab coffee shop called Central Bean, visited a new part of the Eldon Square shopping centre... bought books and clothes. Found out that Jo Malone is coming to Fenwicks, and that White Company is already there. Heaven.

Ok, so I overdid it a bit. Walked further than I had for an age, didn't take as many breaks as I could have done, didn't take enough heed of the warm temperatures AND I LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF IT. WHAT A TONIC.

We had a nice meal out in a restaurant called the Black Door brasserie. Very good. We had lunch in a vietanemese restaurant called Little Saigon. All in all, very successful.

It was hard to walk into chemo again on Monday morning after all that fun and sensory delight. But I did it and day two is now complete. One more and it's done for another four weeks. Reaction to chemo has been mild,so that is great news.

Meanwhile I have a referral to a hospital in London. It is the Royal Marsden and is the main cancer hospital in the UK. A second opinion. I am hoping for a consultation date soon so fingers crossed and prayers this way please. It has been a big decision because of the logistics but I feel I need to seek some more answers and perhaps some other avenues. What will be, will be, but I have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

Teenager is in Chicago with Expat Mum and is having a ball. She is a good friend to us. What an opportunity for a fifteen year old. He is very happy and settled and I get to chat to him every day on facebook- easy and relaxed. Bless it- for all the criticism of it it has many advantages.

Fabulous sunset

I took these photos the other night from my bedroom window.

I was amazed by the beautiful sunset. Breathtaking. These pictures only give a hint as to how lovely the sunset actually was.

Inspirational and comforting at once.

I am feel blessed that I can look out of my window and see such a stunning sight.

School's out and off on holiday.........

Teenager ( far left) on the last day term June 2010 with his pals. And now his case is packed and he is off to stay with Expat Mum in Chicago. She is a good friend to us and I appreciate it XX

Other half and teenager are setting off tonight, staying at the airport tonight ready for the flight in the morning. I will miss him such a lot, but I know he will have a lovely time.

Sports Day

Teenager and I at his sports day on Tuesday. What a great day- full of fun and laughter.
Lots of fresh air and sunshine was had by all.
And teenager's house 'Strickland' won the competition this year.
And yes- that is still my hair ( just!) after three cycles of chemo.
I am now chemo free until July 12th and making the most of feeling like a human being.

Food for thought

( Picture- Seattle 2009)

Maya Angelou

'I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.'

'I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.'

'I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life.'

'I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same thing as 'making a life.'

'I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.'

'I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw some things back...'

'I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.'

'I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.'

'I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back...'

'I've learned that I still have a lot to learn...'

'I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.'

a tag from Expat mum's page

I found this meme on Expat Mum's Page. Hope you fancy joining in.

1. Which do you prefer city or country?

Countryside but near nice stuff to do like shopping and restaurants. I crave quiet especially at night.

2. Do you feel old?

I feel as old as I am -no older, no younger!

3. What was your most embarrassing moment and can you share it?

Meeting Pele the footballer, not recognising him and not knowing who he was when I was told.

4. What was the best thing you ever did at school?

Enjoy it. I really did. I had some really good friends. Also I won a drama prize. I am still proud of that.

5. Who do you most aspire to be like?

Not a particular person. I admire traits in many people. I like to notice what people do well and try to model it if I admire the gift.

6. Do you think you are ambitious?

No. Not anymore. I was once. I don't value the same things as I used to.

7. If you didn’t do what you are doing now what would you like to have done?

I think I definitely ended up in the right line of work. No regrets. Politics perhaps if I had a tougher skin!

8. What would be your most perfect meal?

Not so much what to eat but where. Paris or Nice with other half, and lovely wine.

9. Have you ever broken the law?

It's impossible not to break the law in Britain these days-there are so many laws to break!! Hopefully that will change now. I have had the usual run of parking tickets and speeding fines. Nothing else springs to mind.

I went on a speed awareness course a few months ago. I was very sceptical about going and went instead of getting points. In fact, I learnt a lot and haven't done any speeding since. I am especially careful in built up areas.

10. What songs would be in your Top 3?

She's Gone. Daryl Hall and John Oates

Every Little Thing She Does in Magic- The Police

World in Motion- New Order

Guinness

Anyone who knows me well will understand that my favourite tipple is wine. I love red wine, I love white wine, I enjoy the odd glass of bubbly. I used to be in the industrial quantities league (in my thirties) but for the last few years I have been able to say that I stay well within my healthy number of units quota ( boring health stuff that the GP always nags about) without my tongue going black. Not because I care a fig for the government's need to scrutinize and nag about my intake, but because I just can't get through the stuff these days. One large glass and I am usually done.

However, looking forward to a glass of wine is still one of my true great pleasures. It is therefore pretty miserable that the chemo schedule has put me off the grapey stuff for the large part. Sometimes the thought of it makes we wince, other times I just feel ambivalent to the point of putting the kettle on instead.

So.... imagine my surprise yesterday when I was overwhelmed by a desperate urge for Guinness. I am not a beer drinker by any stretch of the imagine but all I could think about was...... It hadn't gone off by yesterday evening. I could not think of anything else! Eventually husband and teen set off to the supermarket in the village, returning with some tins. I had a half. It was nectar. It was heaven.I enjoyed every drop.

I am going to have another one tonight. I can't wait.
Apparently is is good for iron levels and is seen to be a tonic by some. Whatever works- bring it on

Feel sorry for myself- me?

An innocent picture of the teen at the school's Midsummer Ball last night.

But if you are eagle eyed ( or not as the case maybe) you will spot he is on crutches.

On Friday, as I was settling down to my post chemotherapy sleep the phone went. Teen had sprained his ankle badly. Could I take him to urgent care to get an xray? The school nurse was concerned- it was badly swollen. Perhaps broken?

Ever had a moment when you wanted to scream and yell and shout NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This is the second bad sprain in three weeks.

Ever feel like it's raining, it's pouring. I fancied having a tantrum. Instead, it was off to the urgent care centre and an xray. They are hoping it isn't broken but can't tell til Wednesday this week because of the swelling. He seems happy enough and isn't in pain. He is missing work experience but is getting to revise for exams next week instead ( every cloud?)....

He still got to the Midsummer Ball. He danced on crutches. As you do. It's just a question of getting on with it isn't it? Looking for the best in a challenging situation.

Onwards and upwards. It is scan and results week for me- please send prayers for a good outcome. I will post at the weekend.