It's the bladder post- you thought I forgot?

This is a picture of a urostomy bag. Pre- September I had never heard of such a thing. Had never heard the term. Never thought that people could live a normal life without a bladder. Why would it occur to me? To any of us? When people take a while in a public loo I have been less than patient huffing and puffing and wondering why they are taking so long. It never occurred to me that they might be sorting out 'a bag'.

I was told I was going to be a 'urostomate' the day before my operation. I was given a leaflet and a booklet and some sample bags. I was in such a daze I couldn't really take it in. I was too busy trying to absorb a few other facts- a 50% chance of not waking up, having a stroke, waking up permenantly disabled and not able to walk again- these were the things in my prayers. A urostomy bag didn't seem to be such a big deal.

I was also told I may have to have a colostomy too- but in the end I didn't need this. I was having dreadful trouble with my bladder. I knew it had to go and I was pleased to let it go. It was killing me- plain and simple.

Urine never stops coming and there is a clever pro- cedure where the urine can be channelled into what is known as a stoma. It's a clever little thing on the right hand side of the tummy. I am now too sure about how they do it, but my surgeon was called Mr Christmas. How sweet is that? Anyway, the urine comes out and is caught in the bag. There is no off switch.... so changing the bag can be quite tricky. It takes a while and to start with I really despaired of ever being able to do it. I need to clean the stoma, use stoma paste to help with leaks, cavilon protection to protect my skin...... it's pretty fiddly. But I have slowly got used to it. Other half is brilliant and a great help, but between us we can cover it. If anyone out there ever needs one, or knows someone who might in the future, really it is fine. It doesn't stop you doing anything- I can swim even, but haven't yet.

At night I have a night rack where a bigger bag is attached to the smaller one. The little bag drains into the big bag to save you getting up to empty the bag when you are asleep. It is lovely on winter nights- I never have to get up into the cold air. Also, I never have the urge ' to go' anymore... I just need to remember to empty the bag regularly through the day.

If they asked me if I wanted my bladder back I would now say no. Really I find it just fine.

I ring for supplies whenever I need them to a lovely company in Scotland and they are delivered next day. They couldn't be more helpful and informative. It's a competitive industry so they have to maintain high standards. It's impressive.

Sometimes the bag starts leaking. I have to have spares at all times. It happened tonight when I went up to my friend's for a drink. I sorted myself out in a flash and I was so proud of myself. Only a few months I never thought I was master it- now I doing it all in the blink of an eye.

I hope this post will raise awareness and perhaps give someone confidence in the future. Like anything- it takes a while. If it isn't your cup of tea all this- your probably didn't get to the end of the post. No more medical ones now for a while I promise XX

The floor sweeper

Not sure if it was my gran, or even mum who had one...... but somewhere in the mists of my youth I remember a floor sweeper. It was whisked out to sort crumbs out. I thought even then it was pretty cool. So much quieter than the vacuum cleaner ( I hate the noise to this day) and so much lighter.

Since there are men in the house, and particularly a teenager variety, we have a lot of crumbs.

So yesterday I went to Lakeland and bought- a floor sweeper. A simple plain no frills type. And today it gets its first outing. Just a quick rampage round the kitchen and lounge, and I we will see if this is the start of a love story. Anyone else out there a fan?

Simple pleasures

I want you to think about stuff you enjoy doing every day or every week. Just simple things-nothing exciting. Things that aren't complicated or expensive, things that just give your life a bit of structure and perhaps routine. Stuff that you don't really notice- until it is suddenly taken away at a moment's notice- for months.

I haven't done an awful lot of that type of activity for months- since last March really but certainly hardly at all since September 29th ( operation day). Let me give you a few examples: going for coffee with the girls after school drop off in the morning; driving even short trips; little walks round the block and to my dad's grave ten minutes away; going to Church; going to the supermarket; talking strategy about business stuff with other half and crayoning on the big office whiteboard with chunky pens. Even making teenager's tea ( yes I am serious).

One day I could do it- and pretty much the next day I couldn't. And I am just getting back into it and it is a total joy. I don't take anything for granted these days. Having the strength to have a shower is wonderful. There was a point where I went to bed without a teeth clean- I just didn't have the strength. Now when the brush is flying I thank God that I can do it twice a day and easily. Putting a load of washing on- pride. Making any type of a meal. Success. Brewing a cuppa for a visitor- goal scored.

Today I was able to get up after a great continuous night's sleep. I was able to go with other half to school drop off. I then went to the supermarket to meet my friends for a coffee. We used to meet a few times a week. Today I was celebrating the first visit for months. And it felt great. What a tonic. What a strength those ladies are. I love them to bits. I don't think they read this blog- so I am not being a creep honest. It was just good to chat about the usual stuff - the kids, plans for half term, exams, possible social activities. Oh happiness. And when I got back I hopped on the sofa and slept- a tired but happy sleep.

Please think about all that routine stuff and enjoy it. Appreciate it. I never did really- til I lost it. And now I have a chance to enjoy it again- I am going to enjoy every drop.

Bearing gifts

It is fun after Christmas to reflect on the gifts you receive. What your favourites are and what will end up in the Church raffle.

I loved my 'toy watch' black and white see above (mine has sparkly face), and my pandora ring from husband. I got lots of lovely bits and pieces. However, my best present was from my Jeannie. It was a very intuitive gift. She bought me a lovely notebook, a smart pen and a book called The Romancer ( on being a writer)... Wendy Robertson. I often been told to write a book. Lots of people think I should write about last year, but frankly I don't think anyone would want to read it, and I have no real desire to recount it. I didn't keep a diary, don't have a good memory for detail, and frankly would like to forget most of it. I would like to be an inspiration and I need to find a way of doing that, perhaps through the medium of a book. But detailing the pretty gruelling details of last year and treatment would probably send the majority of people fleeing to the hills. No- that won't be the subject.

I look at the notebook and know that one day soon I will be inspired. I won't start til the muse inspires me. I will keep reading the book though.

What was your favourite present?

(PS- I am doing ok - the last few days have been very positive. Progress is painfully slow but I will prevail. And I will stay positive and hopeful, and eat lots of sweeties. Heh Heh)

Light at the end of a tunnel...

or is a a train?

Since my last post full of enthusiasm about resolutions, life has not been fun for Lakeland Jo or her family. I have been really poorly, ending up with an unplanned visit to the Royal Marsden. I won't bore you with all the details but the headline out of all it is that I STILL have a wound infection, and I was severely anaemic. Two units of blood and shed loads of tablets later I managed to not get admitted ( stayed with my wonderful friend Louise, and of course other half was with me) and escape after two days.

One piece of good news is that I had a CT scan and they were pleased with the results. It showed nothing sinister or worrying. This is the first scan since the operation so it was a headliner really. And it means I don't have to an MRI for now.... just clinic in February. So it's not bad really.

Today I have really started to feel better. Damned shame I have to start more antibiotics because it kills my appetite stone dead. It's not hearty now, but at least I can graze happily. I am losing weight quickly (this sounds like good news to me...) but apparently too quickly. So next week will a challenge. I need to keep munching or I start feeling really sleepy and weak.

I have much to look forward to if I can stay well and get fitter. A trip (cancelled at Xmas) to see the family. A visit to Cambridge while other half is on business. A leisure trip to London while teenager is in South Africa (yes- he is off again). It could be all go. I just need to make progress. And the Spring is coming.......

Thanks to mum for being a wonderful nurse, other half for his patience and comfort, and teenager for helping out without grizzling. I have been in bed for a couple of weeks and they have done everything. I really appreciate it. XXXX

Resolutions 2011

When I was at school I learnt to play the clarinet. I played for six years. It got to the stage where the theory associated with the inevitable and interminable music exams got too damned difficult for this right brainer. It really put me off. I gave up.

And I haven't played again.

In fact other half doesn't really believe I play at all. This is partly because I haven't been seen with it for years. It is ( I think and I hope) locked in a filing cabinet in the garage. Go and get it? It is locked. Not sure where the key is. Looks like a new year lock breaker.

I am determined to find it and play it. If I can't find it ( and that would be awful) I will get another one. I am really excited about it.

I also want to start singing. My voice has never been brilliant. It has never been trained. It is ok- describable as a 'good choir voice'. So I hope to join a choir too. I want more music in my life.

At the moment I can't imagine ever feeling well enough to sing or blow into an instrument but I know it will come in time. And the thought of it makes me feel happy.

Happy New Year to all my bloggy pals,stalkers and occasional visitors. I hope 2011 is peaceful, healthy and prosperous for all of you

Over optimism, great expectations and differences

Peter and Santa Peebles 2010

Much is written every year about how many of us have too high an expectation of the festive season. I think I fell foul of this a little this year- and I think I can definitely be forgiven.

As regular readers know, this was the Christmas I wasn't supposed to see. And if it had been left to the local oncology team I definitely would not have been a participant. Making it through, therefore, is an odd experience, and I suppose if you haven't been through it I think it would be hard to imagine quite how it feels. I suppose a reprieved prisoner on death row might get it... that's as close as I can think of. I have sometimes felt like a last minute guest: delighted and surprised to be invited to a party which I really wanted to be at, knowing that the invitation only arrived in the nick of time.

So, expectations? Other half, teenager, mum and I were booked into Peebles Hydro Hotel in Scotland for Christmas. Four nights. 23rd- 27th. It is a great place to spend Christmas. Lots to do for everyone- an easy place to relax. The trip became the family goal, the light in a dark world, something to be aimed for and get excited about. Something for me to work towards as I convalesce( ARE YOU GETTING THE PICTURE........?)

I suppose you know what's coming. All of you who have similar 'damn and hell' type of festive seasons. Can you hear bells ringing?

Thursday 16th December Midnight. I woke up with teeth chattering violently, followed by dramatic soaking sweats. Sky high temperatures. Not good. Down the drain goes the three day break to visit other half's family in the North East. I had a wound swab taken and a water sample. The surgery rang to say the latter looked dodgy so I had to go straight away onto MORE antibiotics. I duly did so, and immediately developed an intolerance to them. I will spare the details. Needless to say they had to be stopped.

I crawled on through the weekend temperatures roaring and appetite gone again. Boy- was I feel sorry for myself? I looked like hell. I felt like hell. I felt the pressure mounting. And I was so tired ......... all those last minute jobs were not being attempted. I had ground to a complete halt. In bed. Asleep. Again. No appetite and brimming with self pity.

Monday limped around and daktari was on the phone again. He had some good news ( really?). No urinary infection. Brilliant. So could it be flu then- it certainly felt like it? No- 'it is a wound infection' he announced cheerfully. Welcome to new and different antibiotics. I was relieved that at least I knew what the problem was, but daunted that we were just starting to tackle it on 20th December. I continue to sleep, sweat, shiver and grumble... and grumble.... and grumble.

23rd December lift off to Peebles. I felt like death warmed up. I felt like hell on wheels. I looked like something from ' Night of the Living dead'. Other half had done all the packing. I had pointed weakly from packing pile to case. But I was DETERMINED to get there. After all..... this was the big pay out. The reward for being a good patient. This was going to perfect? Er........

And we got there. Brilliantly navigated through the wintry weather by other half. We made it. But inwardly I fizzed. I raged. I didn't feel much better. And I was so convinced I deserved to be better. It was nearly a week, but still I limped on with boiling hot face, or shuddering freezing body. This was my holiday in Peebles. And I was ill again. I felt guilty to be an atmosphere hoover to the others, sorry for myself and as angry as hell that I was missing out. Great expectations. Dashed. I slept on. I ate very little. I sulked.

And then on Christmas morning, I felt a lot better. Was I starting to recover at last? We opened our presents, we had a lovely day. I saw Santa. But I didn't finish dinner, and was in bed by nine. I missed the music and the dancing. Small but slightly optimistic sulk.

Boxing day. I woke up full of life after a lovely long night's sleep AND NO TEMPERATURES. No flannel on the face, no fantasies about rolling in the snow naked, no more layering myself up with woolies and hot water bottles when the cold struck. And energy. After a week of absolutely none at all......I could feel it fizzing through my veins. A song in my heart, a zest, and a bit of appetite....

So I sprang ( well....) out of bed. Breakfast ( yes food- finally!). Festive flower arranging. Fab. Sugar craft mice ( picture tomorrow- very proud of). Brilliant. Quick rest. Bar. Dinner. Cabaret. Coming to life and ready to start the holiday. 27th December. Check out. Home. Bah wretched humbug. I was starting to get into the swing of it all. And like Cinderella......... home too early.

And to cap it all we came home to very heavy snow. Sigh. More snow.

So, what have I learnt from all this? To be honest that is still percolating. However, I do know for sure that I had a massively over- optimistic view of how well I would be by Christmas. I am still amazingly frail and susceptible to bugs and beasties. I am glad I have an cheerful and determined outlook but sometimes it can trip me up and give me false perspectives. This can lead to disappointment. I don't ever want to become someone who always expects difficulty ( self fulfilling prophecy) but sometimes I need to be better at just accepting and enjoying things the way they are. I need to get better at letting go of frustration and irritation, and be more accepting and cheerful of the situation as it is. I have given the Grinch a run for his money this year- unattractive behaviour and not fun to be around. Understandable and forgivable, but toxic all the same.

To finish on high note. One thing I haven't had to worry about this festive system is overindulgence. For once, no post festive remorse and diet plans for me. A blessed change. I have lost lots more weight.I am getting to be quite the sylph. My liver is healthy and smiling as I haven't been drinking. I will enjoy looking at the sale clothes- for once I can shop anywhere.

The other thing I realise, having had a nasty blip, is how far I have come since 29th September... how much more independent and sprightly I am now compared to those first dark days. Much stronger, much more resilient, and hopefully wiser.

I hope your festivities went well. I hope the bugs and beasties, bad weather and lack of parcel deliveries didn't spoil your fun.

I will continue to get well again......I need to get a spring in my step for New Year's Eve.

Christmas drinks 2010

Wonderful friends

Wonderful husband

Last night some lovely friends of ours invited us to Christmas drinks at their beautiful hotel the Linthwaite House Hotel ( staying in the Lakes? stay here. Fab views, fab decor and fab food). I had a very weary sleepy day yesterday and didn't think I would make it ... but I was so determined that I got dressed and thought 'I'll give it my best shot'. I am so pleased I did. I had a wonderful time.

Once I walked into the hallway I started to perk up. Such lovely decorations. Such lovely smells. Such a lovely welcome. Before long I was sitting with a bacardi and coke, with energy rising by the moment.

When our friends invited us to join them for supper at a local bistro we decided to go along. And again- had a great time. It all felt very festive. And as these folk all have boys in teenager's class we never run out of things to talk about. The boys are all very good friends and through them the parents have become very good friends too. I love it. For the record I had a very nice seafood and spinach pancake and salad.

Thanks so much to Gail and Simon, Wendy and Tony and Lilla for a very happy evening. Thanks to Wendy for the photographs.

I savour every moment of a nice time these days- not one drop passes by without me relishing it. I would never wish serious illness on anyone but it certainly does make you stop and appreciate the good things in life- especially lovely friends and a wonderful family.

Life savers

Teacher was teaching about taste using Lifesavers sweeties.

The children began to identify the flavours’ by their colour:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ............... Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room.

Wellingtons ( thanks to my aunt for this one XX)

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his wellie boot's?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little wellies still didn't
want to go on. By the time they got the second wellie on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the wellies off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the wellies back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting wellies off his little feet..No sooner had they got the wellies off when he said, "They're my brother's wellies, my mum made me wear them.’
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the wellies on his feet again.Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

No waiting!

Last year mum and I made these penguins at Peebles hydro hotel where we spent Christmas 2009. We had such a happy family Christmas. I never dreamt I would have such a traumatic and turbulent year in 2010. I didn't realise that 2009 could have been my last Christmas. We never know what is round the corner- good or bad. Just as well I reckon! We booked last year for this year- Christmas 2010. At times we thought we would have to cancel the trip but we didn't. And now, against all odds we will go again as a family AND I AM SO EXCITED. I have never taken my wonderful family for granted. Since I lost my dad in 2001 I learnt that nothing lasts forever. But this year I love them more than ever and value them more than ever. Not only have they all put in a tough emotional and physical shift on my behalf, they are without doubt the focus and priority in my life.

Through the grace of God and a million prayers from all over the world I will see this Christmas after all. I felt odd about Christmas for years after dad died- I found it so hard to feel happy without him there. But someone pointed out to me: would you like teenager to feel the same way about Christmas if you died? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I want him to celebrate my life when I die and feel happy and grateful at Christmas, valuing friends and family and having a great time. My dad loved Christmas and I have now promised myself that I will throw myself into this time of year whole heartedly as long as I am here to do so. I am sorry that I was sometimes down and miserable and negative about it. Never again. He is happy and at peace now ( and if heaven is all about doing what we loved to do - he will be at the Ashes at the moment with other half's dad!!!)

A friend suggested we have a low key budget Christmas this year. I told her she must do what she feels is right for her BUT FOR ME NOT A DAMNED CHANCE. I am going all out to have a ball. No budgets, no economies, no quiet and no low key for this girl. I feel like Scrooge after the three spirits- it's all out.

Much as changed for me since last Christmas. I am now vegetarian on doc's orders ( though I can eat fish thankfully). I now comb M@S shelves for veggie ideas. Also, I now longer have a bladder!! Now that's a bit different eh? I am now known as a urostomate which means I wear a urostomy bag to catch urine. Its a big transition and I really knew nothing about it pre my operation. But every cloud has a silver lining. I don't have to get up to the loo in the winter nights, I never have the urge to go to the loo at an inconvenient moment, and I have a ' NO WAITING' card. This explains to long queues of people that I should have immediate access to the toilet in the event of needing to get in there ( in case the bag needs replacing or emptying - then it is damned urgent let me tell you!), they should step aside graciously. I have only used it once thus far ( today in fact) and everyone was really lovely. I was nervous but there was no problem. I thought - I guess there has to be some compensations. And having no bladder means it can't cause me anymore bother, pain and nuisance. And that suits me just fine.

Enjoy your preparations and take a moment to think. If you knew this Christmas was indeed your last, would you view in differently?

Tales of the Royal Marsden and the road to recovery part three

Before I say anything else in this post I must announce that we have had the first snow of this winter season. I opened the blinds and there was Narnia. All white and freezing cold. And since then we have had a few more snow showers just to keep levels up (but not enough to shut the schools or close the main roads) and we are waiting (according to the forecast) for more arctic blasts. Some parts of the UK have been affected really badly and it's not even December yet. It doesn't take much here for chaos to reign. The joy of rural living.


I went down to the Royal Marsden a few days ago. The first visit post op. I was supposed to go a few weeks ago but was so pole-axed with anaemia I had to wait til my blood was topped up. It went well. The surgeon is pleased with my progress. I need a lot of physio and time before my leg will be ok to drive. A few nerves muscles and blood vessels went the journey during the operation and there is no saying yet what damage will be temporary, and what permanent. They think there maybe cancer cells still around ( likely because of the scale and complexity of the op) but nothing that can be seen by the naked eye or a scanner. Pretty amazing- a miracle really. Any of you who have had dealings with cancer know there are no promises. Living with uncertainty is something of a skill that has to be learnt.


So three options: chemo ( but we have established it doesn't seem to work for me; radiotherapy-but they would need to target carefully and there is nothing to target or measure; or leave me alone to heal and get strong. Their decision is the latter. Thank God!!

So onwards and upwards. I need to go for a baseline scan on 18th December and all progress will be measured from that. Nerve -wracking but then scans and results loops are and I should be used to it by now! I was hoping to avoid any more London trips until after Christmas but the consultant seemed pretty set on the idea. He also suggested that I stuck to veggie food from now on ( easier on the bowel which has been rather chopped around I think) which suits me fine as I can't bear the thought of meat at all. I can have plenty of fish though.

And one more thing.... he is pleased that I have lost weight but would like me to lose more. I have lost two stone post op, and could do with a couple more off. Mind you- I would be fine with two more gone. It's all on my tummy!! Classic apple shape.

So nice veggie recipes please?

Rules for being human

The Rules for being Human

When you were born, you didn't come with an owner's manual; these guidelines make life work better.



1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life on Planet Earth". Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "success."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.

6. You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change. Wisdom is practice. A little of something is better than a lot of nothing.

7. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" becomes a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that again looks better than "here."

8. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate in yourself.

9. Your life is up to you. Life provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life -- or someone else will.

10. You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract -- therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.

11. There is no right or wrong, but there are consequences. Moralizing doesn't help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.

12. Your answers lie inside you. Children need guidance from others; as we mature, we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written. You know more than you have heard or read or been told. All you need to do is to look, listen, and trust.

13. You will forget all this.

14. You can remember any time you wish.


(From the book "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott)

The mountain goat

http://www.odditycentral.com/videos/the-tree-goats-of-morocco.html

After a tough few years and recent months of defying all odds, I often describe myself as a tough old mountain goat.

I love this link. Hope you can pick it up ok.

Paraprosdokian anyone?

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Dolphins are so smart, that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of an emergency, notify - - -", I put "DOCTOR."

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive,,,, twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as opposed to when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ø When something works just fine,, DON'T fix it !!!

Ø Insanity is contagious, you get it from your children.

Ø Hire a teenager,, while they still know everything.