Over optimism, great expectations and differences

Peter and Santa Peebles 2010

Much is written every year about how many of us have too high an expectation of the festive season. I think I fell foul of this a little this year- and I think I can definitely be forgiven.

As regular readers know, this was the Christmas I wasn't supposed to see. And if it had been left to the local oncology team I definitely would not have been a participant. Making it through, therefore, is an odd experience, and I suppose if you haven't been through it I think it would be hard to imagine quite how it feels. I suppose a reprieved prisoner on death row might get it... that's as close as I can think of. I have sometimes felt like a last minute guest: delighted and surprised to be invited to a party which I really wanted to be at, knowing that the invitation only arrived in the nick of time.

So, expectations? Other half, teenager, mum and I were booked into Peebles Hydro Hotel in Scotland for Christmas. Four nights. 23rd- 27th. It is a great place to spend Christmas. Lots to do for everyone- an easy place to relax. The trip became the family goal, the light in a dark world, something to be aimed for and get excited about. Something for me to work towards as I convalesce( ARE YOU GETTING THE PICTURE........?)

I suppose you know what's coming. All of you who have similar 'damn and hell' type of festive seasons. Can you hear bells ringing?

Thursday 16th December Midnight. I woke up with teeth chattering violently, followed by dramatic soaking sweats. Sky high temperatures. Not good. Down the drain goes the three day break to visit other half's family in the North East. I had a wound swab taken and a water sample. The surgery rang to say the latter looked dodgy so I had to go straight away onto MORE antibiotics. I duly did so, and immediately developed an intolerance to them. I will spare the details. Needless to say they had to be stopped.

I crawled on through the weekend temperatures roaring and appetite gone again. Boy- was I feel sorry for myself? I looked like hell. I felt like hell. I felt the pressure mounting. And I was so tired ......... all those last minute jobs were not being attempted. I had ground to a complete halt. In bed. Asleep. Again. No appetite and brimming with self pity.

Monday limped around and daktari was on the phone again. He had some good news ( really?). No urinary infection. Brilliant. So could it be flu then- it certainly felt like it? No- 'it is a wound infection' he announced cheerfully. Welcome to new and different antibiotics. I was relieved that at least I knew what the problem was, but daunted that we were just starting to tackle it on 20th December. I continue to sleep, sweat, shiver and grumble... and grumble.... and grumble.

23rd December lift off to Peebles. I felt like death warmed up. I felt like hell on wheels. I looked like something from ' Night of the Living dead'. Other half had done all the packing. I had pointed weakly from packing pile to case. But I was DETERMINED to get there. After all..... this was the big pay out. The reward for being a good patient. This was going to perfect? Er........

And we got there. Brilliantly navigated through the wintry weather by other half. We made it. But inwardly I fizzed. I raged. I didn't feel much better. And I was so convinced I deserved to be better. It was nearly a week, but still I limped on with boiling hot face, or shuddering freezing body. This was my holiday in Peebles. And I was ill again. I felt guilty to be an atmosphere hoover to the others, sorry for myself and as angry as hell that I was missing out. Great expectations. Dashed. I slept on. I ate very little. I sulked.

And then on Christmas morning, I felt a lot better. Was I starting to recover at last? We opened our presents, we had a lovely day. I saw Santa. But I didn't finish dinner, and was in bed by nine. I missed the music and the dancing. Small but slightly optimistic sulk.

Boxing day. I woke up full of life after a lovely long night's sleep AND NO TEMPERATURES. No flannel on the face, no fantasies about rolling in the snow naked, no more layering myself up with woolies and hot water bottles when the cold struck. And energy. After a week of absolutely none at all......I could feel it fizzing through my veins. A song in my heart, a zest, and a bit of appetite....

So I sprang ( well....) out of bed. Breakfast ( yes food- finally!). Festive flower arranging. Fab. Sugar craft mice ( picture tomorrow- very proud of). Brilliant. Quick rest. Bar. Dinner. Cabaret. Coming to life and ready to start the holiday. 27th December. Check out. Home. Bah wretched humbug. I was starting to get into the swing of it all. And like Cinderella......... home too early.

And to cap it all we came home to very heavy snow. Sigh. More snow.

So, what have I learnt from all this? To be honest that is still percolating. However, I do know for sure that I had a massively over- optimistic view of how well I would be by Christmas. I am still amazingly frail and susceptible to bugs and beasties. I am glad I have an cheerful and determined outlook but sometimes it can trip me up and give me false perspectives. This can lead to disappointment. I don't ever want to become someone who always expects difficulty ( self fulfilling prophecy) but sometimes I need to be better at just accepting and enjoying things the way they are. I need to get better at letting go of frustration and irritation, and be more accepting and cheerful of the situation as it is. I have given the Grinch a run for his money this year- unattractive behaviour and not fun to be around. Understandable and forgivable, but toxic all the same.

To finish on high note. One thing I haven't had to worry about this festive system is overindulgence. For once, no post festive remorse and diet plans for me. A blessed change. I have lost lots more weight.I am getting to be quite the sylph. My liver is healthy and smiling as I haven't been drinking. I will enjoy looking at the sale clothes- for once I can shop anywhere.

The other thing I realise, having had a nasty blip, is how far I have come since 29th September... how much more independent and sprightly I am now compared to those first dark days. Much stronger, much more resilient, and hopefully wiser.

I hope your festivities went well. I hope the bugs and beasties, bad weather and lack of parcel deliveries didn't spoil your fun.

I will continue to get well again......I need to get a spring in my step for New Year's Eve.

Christmas drinks 2010

Wonderful friends

Wonderful husband

Last night some lovely friends of ours invited us to Christmas drinks at their beautiful hotel the Linthwaite House Hotel ( staying in the Lakes? stay here. Fab views, fab decor and fab food). I had a very weary sleepy day yesterday and didn't think I would make it ... but I was so determined that I got dressed and thought 'I'll give it my best shot'. I am so pleased I did. I had a wonderful time.

Once I walked into the hallway I started to perk up. Such lovely decorations. Such lovely smells. Such a lovely welcome. Before long I was sitting with a bacardi and coke, with energy rising by the moment.

When our friends invited us to join them for supper at a local bistro we decided to go along. And again- had a great time. It all felt very festive. And as these folk all have boys in teenager's class we never run out of things to talk about. The boys are all very good friends and through them the parents have become very good friends too. I love it. For the record I had a very nice seafood and spinach pancake and salad.

Thanks so much to Gail and Simon, Wendy and Tony and Lilla for a very happy evening. Thanks to Wendy for the photographs.

I savour every moment of a nice time these days- not one drop passes by without me relishing it. I would never wish serious illness on anyone but it certainly does make you stop and appreciate the good things in life- especially lovely friends and a wonderful family.

Life savers

Teacher was teaching about taste using Lifesavers sweeties.

The children began to identify the flavours’ by their colour:
Red......................Cherry
Yellow...................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange ............... Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None
of the children could identify the taste.

The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your
mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled,
'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!


The teacher had to leave the room.

Wellingtons ( thanks to my aunt for this one XX)

(Anyone who has ever dressed a child will love this one!)

Did you hear about the Pre-School teacher who was helping one of the children put on his wellie boot's?

He asked for help and she could see why. Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little wellies still didn't
want to go on. By the time they got the second wellie on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Miss, they're on the wrong feet."
She looked, and sure enough, they were.
It wasn't any easier pulling the wellies off than it was putting them on.
She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the wellies back on, this time on the right feet..
He then announced, "These aren't my wellies."
She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, 'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.
Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting wellies off his little feet..No sooner had they got the wellies off when he said, "They're my brother's wellies, my mum made me wear them.’
Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.
But, she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the wellies on his feet again.Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your gloves?"
He said, "I stuffed 'them in the toes of my Wellie's".

She will be eligible for parole in three years!

No waiting!

Last year mum and I made these penguins at Peebles hydro hotel where we spent Christmas 2009. We had such a happy family Christmas. I never dreamt I would have such a traumatic and turbulent year in 2010. I didn't realise that 2009 could have been my last Christmas. We never know what is round the corner- good or bad. Just as well I reckon! We booked last year for this year- Christmas 2010. At times we thought we would have to cancel the trip but we didn't. And now, against all odds we will go again as a family AND I AM SO EXCITED. I have never taken my wonderful family for granted. Since I lost my dad in 2001 I learnt that nothing lasts forever. But this year I love them more than ever and value them more than ever. Not only have they all put in a tough emotional and physical shift on my behalf, they are without doubt the focus and priority in my life.

Through the grace of God and a million prayers from all over the world I will see this Christmas after all. I felt odd about Christmas for years after dad died- I found it so hard to feel happy without him there. But someone pointed out to me: would you like teenager to feel the same way about Christmas if you died? ABSOLUTELY NOT. I want him to celebrate my life when I die and feel happy and grateful at Christmas, valuing friends and family and having a great time. My dad loved Christmas and I have now promised myself that I will throw myself into this time of year whole heartedly as long as I am here to do so. I am sorry that I was sometimes down and miserable and negative about it. Never again. He is happy and at peace now ( and if heaven is all about doing what we loved to do - he will be at the Ashes at the moment with other half's dad!!!)

A friend suggested we have a low key budget Christmas this year. I told her she must do what she feels is right for her BUT FOR ME NOT A DAMNED CHANCE. I am going all out to have a ball. No budgets, no economies, no quiet and no low key for this girl. I feel like Scrooge after the three spirits- it's all out.

Much as changed for me since last Christmas. I am now vegetarian on doc's orders ( though I can eat fish thankfully). I now comb M@S shelves for veggie ideas. Also, I now longer have a bladder!! Now that's a bit different eh? I am now known as a urostomate which means I wear a urostomy bag to catch urine. Its a big transition and I really knew nothing about it pre my operation. But every cloud has a silver lining. I don't have to get up to the loo in the winter nights, I never have the urge to go to the loo at an inconvenient moment, and I have a ' NO WAITING' card. This explains to long queues of people that I should have immediate access to the toilet in the event of needing to get in there ( in case the bag needs replacing or emptying - then it is damned urgent let me tell you!), they should step aside graciously. I have only used it once thus far ( today in fact) and everyone was really lovely. I was nervous but there was no problem. I thought - I guess there has to be some compensations. And having no bladder means it can't cause me anymore bother, pain and nuisance. And that suits me just fine.

Enjoy your preparations and take a moment to think. If you knew this Christmas was indeed your last, would you view in differently?

Tales of the Royal Marsden and the road to recovery part three

Before I say anything else in this post I must announce that we have had the first snow of this winter season. I opened the blinds and there was Narnia. All white and freezing cold. And since then we have had a few more snow showers just to keep levels up (but not enough to shut the schools or close the main roads) and we are waiting (according to the forecast) for more arctic blasts. Some parts of the UK have been affected really badly and it's not even December yet. It doesn't take much here for chaos to reign. The joy of rural living.


I went down to the Royal Marsden a few days ago. The first visit post op. I was supposed to go a few weeks ago but was so pole-axed with anaemia I had to wait til my blood was topped up. It went well. The surgeon is pleased with my progress. I need a lot of physio and time before my leg will be ok to drive. A few nerves muscles and blood vessels went the journey during the operation and there is no saying yet what damage will be temporary, and what permanent. They think there maybe cancer cells still around ( likely because of the scale and complexity of the op) but nothing that can be seen by the naked eye or a scanner. Pretty amazing- a miracle really. Any of you who have had dealings with cancer know there are no promises. Living with uncertainty is something of a skill that has to be learnt.


So three options: chemo ( but we have established it doesn't seem to work for me; radiotherapy-but they would need to target carefully and there is nothing to target or measure; or leave me alone to heal and get strong. Their decision is the latter. Thank God!!

So onwards and upwards. I need to go for a baseline scan on 18th December and all progress will be measured from that. Nerve -wracking but then scans and results loops are and I should be used to it by now! I was hoping to avoid any more London trips until after Christmas but the consultant seemed pretty set on the idea. He also suggested that I stuck to veggie food from now on ( easier on the bowel which has been rather chopped around I think) which suits me fine as I can't bear the thought of meat at all. I can have plenty of fish though.

And one more thing.... he is pleased that I have lost weight but would like me to lose more. I have lost two stone post op, and could do with a couple more off. Mind you- I would be fine with two more gone. It's all on my tummy!! Classic apple shape.

So nice veggie recipes please?

Rules for being human

The Rules for being Human

When you were born, you didn't come with an owner's manual; these guidelines make life work better.



1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's the only thing you are sure to keep for the rest of your life.

2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called "Life on Planet Earth". Every person or incident is the Universal Teacher.

3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of experimentation. "Failures" are as much a part of the process as "success."

4. A lesson is repeated until learned. It is presented to you in various forms until you learn it -- then you can go on to the next lesson.

5. If you don't learn easy lessons, they get harder. External problems are a precise reflection of your internal state. When you clear inner obstructions, your outside world changes. Pain is how the universe gets your attention.

6. You will know you've learned a lesson when your actions change. Wisdom is practice. A little of something is better than a lot of nothing.

7. "There" is no better than "here". When your "there" becomes a "here" you will simply obtain another "there" that again looks better than "here."

8. Others are only mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another unless it reflects something you love or hate in yourself.

9. Your life is up to you. Life provides the canvas; you do the painting. Take charge of your life -- or someone else will.

10. You always get what you want. Your subconscious rightfully determines what energies, experiences, and people you attract -- therefore, the only foolproof way to know what you want is to see what you have. There are no victims, only students.

11. There is no right or wrong, but there are consequences. Moralizing doesn't help. Judgments only hold the patterns in place. Just do your best.

12. Your answers lie inside you. Children need guidance from others; as we mature, we trust our hearts, where the Laws of Spirit are written. You know more than you have heard or read or been told. All you need to do is to look, listen, and trust.

13. You will forget all this.

14. You can remember any time you wish.


(From the book "If Life is a Game, These are the Rules" by Cherie Carter-Scott)

The mountain goat

http://www.odditycentral.com/videos/the-tree-goats-of-morocco.html

After a tough few years and recent months of defying all odds, I often describe myself as a tough old mountain goat.

I love this link. Hope you can pick it up ok.

Paraprosdokian anyone?

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to reframe or reinterpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect.

Ø I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Ø Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Ø I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Ø Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Ø The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

Ø Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ø If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

Ø We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

Ø War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.

Ø Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Ø The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Ø Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

Ø To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

Ø A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.

Ø How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Ø Dolphins are so smart, that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the edge of the pool and throw them fish.

Ø I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a paycheck.

Ø A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

Ø Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "In case of an emergency, notify - - -", I put "DOCTOR."

Ø I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

Ø Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?.

Ø Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ø Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

Ø A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Ø You do not need a parachute to sky dive. You only need a parachute to sky dive,,,, twice.

Ø The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Ø Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

Ø Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.

Ø Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

Ø I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Ø Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others, whenever they go.

Ø There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Ø I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

Ø When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Ø You're never too old to learn something stupid.

Ø To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Ø Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Ø A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as opposed to when you are in it.

Ø If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?

Ø Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Ø When something works just fine,, DON'T fix it !!!

Ø Insanity is contagious, you get it from your children.

Ø Hire a teenager,, while they still know everything.

Number five by Lynette is my favourite!

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (written by kids)

You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10


2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
- - Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
- - Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9 (bless you child )


8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8

And the #1 Favorite is.......


9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

oops I did it again

There is a new post under the previous one about the charity fund raise- I forgot to change the dates on the new one which I had in drafts. One day I will learn..............

Louise Shepherd is fundraising for The Royal Marsden Cancer Charity

Louise Shepherd is fundraising for The Royal Marsden Cancer Charity

Please have a look at this page folks. My very dear and oldest friend Louise is walking for the Royal Marsden Hospital and we are trying to raise a £1000. We started with a target of £300 and smashed it. And now we are being ambitious. My friend Bobbie is walking with Louise for company too. We are going to go down to watch and cheer them on. Even a couple of quid/dollars will help. Thanks XXX

Tales of the Royal Marsden and the road to recovery part two

I have pinched this great picture from my good pal and fellow Geordie Clippy Mat. Check out her most recent post about emigrating to Canada many moons ago. It reminds me ( and lots of others) of our own story, and we were just moving 120 miles to the lake district. It is worth a look. Oh and by the way, for those of you not in the UK, a Geordie is a person who ( and there is much debate about this) was born in Newcastle or not far from the river Tyne. Look at google for the definitions. I was born less than a mile from the river Tyne ( North side) at North Shields ( near the Tyne mouth) and I constitute the real thing for sure. Pride Pride.

I confess I have been neglectful of my blog and I will do better in the next few days. I have a few mitigating circumstances. My blood level ( HB level) got so low I had to go to hospital overnight for a blood transfusion. Since then I have been a different woman. My energy is so much better. Before I felt like a dishrag- no motivation and asleep most of the day. Now I am buzzing and have a bit of colour ( rather than being as white as a ghost - white lips to match the skin tone).

Inspired and full of beans I got up on Sunday to do a long blog post but our internet had crashed. We had to wait for a powerpack which came yesterday. Wi- fi back on now and normal service is resumed again.

I try to do a few little jobs every day. This has involved all sorts of stuff such as thank you cards and replies to emails, cheery little texts in reply to all those I got in hospital, ordering bedding, starting on line Christmas shopping, sorting out teenager's incredibly busy diary, sorting out a new bathroom ( walk in shower etc), ordering a radar key for access to disabled toilets which are locked, getting a sweep organised ( pre -real fire season), getting a decorator to quote, ordering some grab rails for the front door ( I am no good with steps and won't be for a while). And the best bit-I am strong enough for visitors now and I am catching up with my wonderful friends. IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE THEM AND THEY ARE THE BEST MEDICINE. I am sure you love your friends folks and I am sure they are lovely, BUT MINE ARE THE BEST EVER!!!!!

I haven't watched much TV. I don't have a tv in my bedroom ( and have no desire to have one) and have enjoyed just sitting on the bed reading mags or facebooking. However, I have struggled through to the lounge for Downton Abbey ( fabulous), X factor, recorded cookery programmes watched with my mum ( we like the Barefoot Contessa), and the football ( of course). I sleep a lot too still but not nearly as much.

I have been out shopping at Marks and Spencer - it was wonderful. I have been out for two lunches too. We don't stay out for long but every minute is such a treat. Slowly but surely, I am gathering my strength.

And of course, I haven't forgotten about the 'no bladder' post!! Coming soon at a Lakeland Jo blog near you.............

Home. part one of my adventures at the Royal Marsden

Isn't this a great shot of Derwentwater? I love the lighting

I am finally home. Arrived back from hospital on Sunday night after one of those 'will I ever get out of here?' difficult mornings. I was in there for eighteen nights.It was a five hour journey and mercifully it went pretty well. I slept for most of it.

It sounds like a long time but it went pretty fast. I remember very little of the first week particularly, I was in ICU for most of that. All I can remember of that part really is hallucinations, and Pete visiting and having to wear a pale pink apron which caused some smiles amongst the family. ICU ( intensive care unit) is like Star Wars. Just a lot of screens and machines and wires. It is very alien and odd. The care is one to one 24 hours, and so specialised. Like being a new baby again.
One morning two teams of doctors came in at the same time. I was drifting in and out of the scenario, but i remember it well because there were so many of them, and all I could see were peering faces. I felt like 'exhibit a'. Two of the more senior doctors were having a disagreement about something. I forget what now. Lots of people were loading notes in laptops. Most of the doctors didn't look much older than teenager to me. All peering at my wounds and discussing them.
I was lucky regarding the aforementioned hallucinations. They were very weird but I wasn't frightened by them which I think can happen to some people. Caused by all the different medicines and drugs, they sure do alter the mind. I told my mum (who was with me during the ICU period bless her heart- just sitting patiently with me) that the nurses bay outside was a toy shop, a book shop and then a chocolate shop. I then decided it was a library. I could see a lot of space type figures wandering around (especially stormtroopers), and I also decided that we are all really IPODs and all we need to get better at things is to be upgraded regularly ( i.e. - if you want to be a tennis pro, get an upgrade. Learn Italian? Get an upgrade etc). It would be good if life was as easy eh?
It must have been hard for the family to make sense of me making sense of my world in there. Other than the strange visions, I also used to use the wrong words to describe what I wanted, and would regularly fall asleep mid sentence, totally denying that we were on the subject when I woke up again.
The operation I had was huge. I can't really say exactly what it was because the title is a paragraph long full of latin phrases. I did ask for a short version and was told the nearest is ' a total right side pelvic re-section'. I think that will do. It sounds general and large scale enough. Lots of people do ask about it and its good to have a simple short reply- not that it really explains a lot. Lots of slicing, strimming, removing, and painstaking work. Oh yes- and I now have no bladder. This will be a different post altogether ( I bet you just can't wait). The tumour has completely gone. That was the complex bit- so near the sciatic nerve and 'involved with' so many different parts of the area, it is a miracle they got it.
Those of you with a less medical disposition can avoid the 'no bladder' post but I want to be honest and open about it all in the hope it may help someone else in my position. Anything that supports someone else is worth writing about. If it raises awareness and helps us all know and appreciate what others are dealing with, or could be, then it's worth writing about it. As regards the bladder I wasn't sorry to see the back of it. I had done me great service but latterly it was causing me some really big problems. It had to go and I have accepted it. Now I have something caused a urostomy bag. Another post that one. I was told I may end up with a colostomy bag but didn't in the end: that was very fortunate. I was pleased when I woke up and found out.
So now I am waiting for the district nurse. The post surgery/ wound dressing circuit that I am sure a few of you maybe familiar with. This afternoon the stoma (urostomy support) nurse is coming to see other half and I. That will be good. We would like some help- it is a lot to take in and learn.
And I will relax like I did yesterday. Spend time with my beloved mum ( she is bringing me a latte in from Costas!), hang out with teenager who is on half term, read blogs and play on facebook. And most of all enjoy looking out of the window at the autumn colours, appreciating that I am alive and feeling better every day. Thanking God.

Life in the Royal Marsden

Thank you first of all for your kind comments in response to other half. It is so appreciated. And I know all the positivity and prayer on the day of the op were essential to it's success. I would like to do a lovely long post but because it's being done on the iphone, that makes it a bit tricky. Suffice to say the plan is for me to leave for home on Sunday. So next week expects some long sagas.
In brief, it's been a roller coaster and the week post off was the longest of my life. A real physical slog with lots to come to terms with. But above it all has been the feeling- I made it, and the operation was a success. Wonderful. Everyday my progress improves. I am sleeping again after last night, I am starting to eat again, and my stitches and staples are all gone. I haven't had time to be even remotely bored, and celebrated my 46th birthday in hospital yesterday with a glass of fizz.