I ended up not having chemotherapy this week. My blood count wasn't good enough. So I was told 'come back next week.......'. I quickly got my head around it. Another week with hair! Another week of feeling well. And most importantly the chance to spend my wedding anniversary ( sixteen years on Sunday) with other half, having a nice lunch and celebrating without feeling under the weather. Why would I be sorry?
Inconvenience, waiting around, disappointment, changing plans, being able to make very few plans at all, shock and fear all go with a cancer diagnosis. It is so important to take all of it and reframe it quickly. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes kindness to self. But it is important and liberating when you get into the hang of doing it.
I am used to having a busy diary, carefully scheduled, with logistics planned, hotels booked, alarms set and to do lists up to date. Suddenly it is all gone. Suddenly it all seems irrelevant. I thought I was in control, and now I laugh that I ever thought I was. And that it is part of the learning in all this- realising that none of us are. It really is just an illusion! So enjoying something about every day, however challenging that day is, is a good place to start. Getting used to 'going with the flow' and appreciating what you have right now, rather than what will be happening next week, is another good learning point. Especially for me. I concentrate on the moment. It isn't a habit quite yet,but I am getting there.
And all this resting.... and taking it easy, and listening to what my body needs. Different. Interesting.
So life is good here. Tomorrow I will be celebrating sixteen years of a very happy marriage with my lovely husband. We will have a lovely lunch somewhere with teenager, looking out over the lake. What could be better?
I hope you are all having a happy and sunny weekend.