a joke to cheer us up in these challenging times!

SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.


'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa.'

'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'


Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselveswhether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:



1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.







(THIS GETS BETTER!)



The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.



The women won.

pampered pet

( On the right - when I win the lottery or clinch that deal.... the Jaguar FX)

I will declare my shameful behaviour on my blog! I accept that I have become a pampered pet where cars are concerned.

My car is currently snuggled in the garage with the engineer trying to sort out a recurring gear box problem. While he is taxing his brain, I have a courtesy car for my business trip this week.

Those who know me know that I love cars. When I win the lottery ( note: positive mental attitude) I will sit down and a)be sensible about investing and b) philanthropic in intent ONCE I have been to the garage to buy a new state of the art sleek sexy fast Jaguar sports car ( top of the range, leather, wooden steering wheel, ). Sigh. Anyway...

I don't understand people who say ' a car is just a thing to get you from A to B.... not in my model of the world it isn't...........

I am in a courtesy car, and sulking. I have no sat nav ( and in strange places all week), no heated seats ( this should be a mandatory requirement by law in cars), no handsfree bluetooth carphone set ( and hence no chatting to pals while driving), no folding mirrors when driving on tight narrow country roads, no charger for phone and ipod..... need I go on? Anyway, I admit I may sound a bit like Paris Hilton and sorry if you want to slap me.

In my defence I do drive a lot (but nowhere near as much as I used to) and I have got used to the car being the second home and all that. At least they have given me a cd player, aircon and seriously good acceleration. Without this I would be ( even more) unbearable.

A girl has to have her pleasures.......

Hell does freeze over- I have returned to the gym! Other half and I decided we had to get a grip. He said ' I am coming round to the idea of exercise again', and I said ' what about right now?'. I don't think he was expecting that one...

When we realised we had no legitimate excuse for not going, it was out with the gym bags, passes, trainers et al, and off we went. I really enjoyed it: I was cross training and watching Noel's HQ at the same time....

We have these swanky machines with head phones and tv screens with Sky tv, and a key which we put in each machine which tells us what our programme is and what we should be doing next.... ( and when we haven't done enough ... or at the right weight and so forth...). It is hard to skive, but easier than when I went to a personal trainer up the road. He is very strict but boy does he get results. Teenager goes to him for rugby training and he is is excellent.

Thankfully Doc says I am not quite ready for the rigours of personal training yet so I go to the gym and do a programme fit for a ninety year old. Still, it's better than nowt eh? Other Half has no such excuse but he seemed to be working out really hard: no headphones and tv for him. He is in the zone. He hasn't put on any weight since he last week. Hmmph. Considering the amount of Ben and Jerry's and Oreos that he has consumed this summer I think there is no justice in this world.

I feel virtuous today having been last night and I am considering going again tonight for a leisurely swim. I am staying in a hotel for a couple of nights Tuesday and Wednesday and that has a pool and gym too, so no excuses....

Kendal Torch Light Procession

Hope you like the montage photo of the Torchlight procession- not my own work- I found it on the internet. I do have some photos of my own but they are rather dark.

Teenager went off on his own with pals after a pizza with mum and dad ( we have uses) and other half and I watched the procession from our vantage point on the high street. Well done to everyone who took part- a community occasion for great causes: CancerCare, St Mary's Hospice, Derian House Children's Hospice and Bay Search and Rescue. Hope they raised a ton of money.

Pity about some of the drunken behaviour of the idiot minority ( there were a couple of arrests). I am afraid the event clashed with the usual Saturday night 'festivities' in Kendal but the police seemed to be keeping a close eye: shame they have to isn't it?

taxi?

It is all suddenly dawning on me.Teenager isn't just growing up height wise, he is growing up full stop.
Last night he was at his friend's birthday sleepover. Other half and I had relaxing meal out at http://www.jerichos.co.uk/ in Windermere ( food bloggers- take a look at the menu) and walked back back down the hill to Bowness. Picture above- it's a restaurant with rooms...

Teenager turns up at eleven am and starts talking about going to the Kendal Torchlight Procession. Something that happens every year and we have never been. Shameful.

http://www.kendaltorchlightcarnival.co.uk/

Turns out he would like to meet his pals,but how can he get there and back? He is capable of getting the train in, but I am unconvinced that he is old enough yet to be there later in the evening ( in the dark...) pals or not, especially with big crowds there (and apparently no trains back because of track maintenance...). Don't mention buses ( public transport in this area is few and far between).

So Pa Kettle and I are taking him in where he can go off and 'hang' with his pals, and we will be ready to take him back when he is ready later on post torches et al. We will work hard to stay out of sight so as not to intrude or embarrass ( I suspect we are at that stage now).... but near enough in case resources of some sort are needed..... All I need to do is persuade OH to drive back so I can partake of the grape ...and let's hope we can get parked. Since we are going to be there, we will take a look at proceedings and see what it is all about.

Will let you know if it's worth it.

Meanwhile: Kevin Keegan was talking to Toon owner Mike Ashley ( cue pantomime hissing and booing) yesterday but the talks were fruitless. The fans are protesting outside St James' park today... I hope Ashley doesn't turn up at the ground for the sake of his health. We still have no manager it it appears the Board might be trying to tempt King Kev back. I wonder what his terms are... very curious.

Pillow Talk

Sigh! Up at all hours - woke up about half two am, hot and increasingly restless. Back in bed with other half after my single bed week in Corbridge so can't put the light on to read for ten minutes, or thrash around like a dervish...so I am up, watching the news about Hurricane Ike, and looking at my blog. Looking at the pictures from Galveston in Texas as the weather gets worse, and all those poor folk trying to get away on blocked roads. It looks awful and I can't imagine how stressful it must be for those affected. I am praying for everyone who is stuck over there in the thick of the storm.

Also watching people stranded by the crash of travel company Excel. What a nightmare, especially the lady who had paid thousands and thousands for her family to go to Disneyland in Orlando, to join her for her wedding. She is so devasted I found it hard to watch. She thinks she has lost everything. There are an estimated 90,000 people stranded all over the world. I wonder what happens to people who don't have the money to get flights back home...mmhh... scarey thought.

Weather here seems to have settled for a while and it is lovely to be able to walk about without rain coats. There are a lot of people here at Windermere for tomorrow's great north swim... apparently over 2000 people are swimming in lake Windermere- mainly for charity. I don't know much about it so need to read up about it tomorrow. Apparently there at a few GB Olympians swimming too.

Consett, McDonalds again, and Steve Bates

My new office: Consett McDonalds. Already finished my first coffee, and thinking about another. Enjoying the total peace of answering emails and looking at blogs: it was worth the very early start to have a good hour of air time. Once I have finished work I usually feel disinclined to get the computer out: too busy contemplating my evening glass of wine ( anyone out their counting my units- hope not?).

Thought I would treat you all to a shot of Consett. It is very high up and remote, but the town itself is growing every time I visit.

Had a very exciting moment last night. Pulling up outside our cottage in Corbridge I spotted Steve Bates ( Newcastle Falcons Director of Rugby) walking past with his dog. I spied his English Rugby rose on his raincoat. I said hello and hope he spotted my Falcons car sticker. Apparently he lives locally. He looked a little glum ( perhaps because he thought I was going to mow him down on the pavement) : the Falcons have an uphill struggle to get up the table this season, but I have every confidence in him, and then.

Had a lovely meal in the Black Bull in Corbridge:I recommend it. Staff were very friendly. Lamb shank, mash and fresh veg washed down with merlot. Great stuff!

Good to see an England win last night, boys watched it in the local pub in Bowness. Mum and I couldn't access it so kept getting texts about the score from teenager. Let's hope they can keep it going.... we need them to qualify.

Consett McDonalds, Wi-Fi, Blue Skies and off to work

Hi folks
Just a quick post on the way to sunny ( yes-it is today) Crook in County Durham. You can see Crook on the previous post on the map. It is very high up! Not too far from Corbridge where I am staying, in the wilds of County Durham.

My dad was born in this area, in Stanley, and I like visiting Durham because I feel as if a piece of me belongs here. He was brought up in Tanfield Lea. Sadly I am not in touch with any of his family ( if there are any here) so I have no-one to visit. I intend to do much more research into the family tree when I have some time ( famous last words?).

I couldn't get access when I first arrived : they had forgotten to switch the router on. Maybe there isn't a great demand for it in this branch yet! Anyway, I had collected enough coffee points on my little card to get a free cappucino: how cool is that? Simple pleasures- and yes-I probably need to get out more!

McDonalds in Newcastle for free WI- FI

Hi folks

Have just jetted into a McDonald's in Newcastle to check my emails and blog. Can't say it would be a venue of choice but it does free Wi- Fi now and the coffee is pretty good ( surprisingly!). It costs £5 per hour for internet access in Starbucks. I love Starbucks but £5 an hour?? I am sure they will change their policy soon when they realise loads of places are offering the service free ( such as Costas). Have the irritation of receiving emails but not being able to send them - something horribly technical to do with the server apparently.

Need to go to PC World to get it sussed out- groan. I hate going there.

Week is going well even though there has been a few schedule changes. It goes with the territory with this job though it can be frustrating. Corbridge cottage is lovely- much better than the other one I talked about on a previous listing. Very central, very comfortable and cosy. More about it when I have time. We have eaten out a couple of times so far- in the local chinese ( Artisam) and at a local pub, The Golden Lion.

Weather is horrible. Ok yesterday ( we even saw some sunshine!!) but raining and dark again today. I feel so sorry for Morpeth up the road- they have experienced some seriously bad flooding.

Off to Corbridge to meet up with mum - a restful afternoon ahead

( Ps- rumours flying around about Newcastle United). An Indian Billionaire ( sixth richest man in the world!!??) might be buying- I hope he does!

It maybe a while

I am off to Corbridge again today, folks. I will be there until Friday working in County Durham. Mum and I have taken a little cottage in the middle of the village centre. She can potter round the village ( there is plenty to do) while I whizz off to work during the day. In the evening we can drink wine and chat about the day. It means I don't have a lot of commuting to do back and forth from here ( especially in this weather) and I have company in the evenings ( someone to rant and rave at about the day- mum is a great audience and a good listener).

I am not sure how much internet access I will have. I will be darting into wi-fi access coffee lounges when I can to check work stuff, but won't have a lot of time to blog. I might be even be called a 'blog-slacker', which is a great new term I got from my friend TM who I know from university!

I think you might find me in the above pub most evenings or in the lovely Valley indian restaurant ( see earlier listing for link) - see you there!

Up at six, Alton Towers and the wind howls.....

On the right: a map of Alton Towers Theme Park

.... and the rain still comes down ( in case you were wondering). I know from comments on the blog ( thanks folks- I love to see them) and from emails that I am getting, that others in Europe and in some parts of the US can't believe how awful the weather is here - especially in regards to us needing the heating on! I feel the same. Even some of my stalwart ' we wear fleeces in our house- I would never dream of putting the heating on til mid December' type of friends and acquaintances are admitting to a blast of the warm stuff first thing in the mornings to help inspire the kids out of beds for school.

However, it only takes a look at what other parts of the world are having to face in terms of nature, and it makes me realise how lucky we really are. I am irritated and sometimes glum because of the weather, but never frightened by the prospects of it affecting my safety or security. Anyone who is out there in that position- my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Son and heir is off to Alton Towers for the day. For those readers who live in the UK you will be now groaning and sighing. For those who are outside the UK here is the link.

http://www.altontowers.com/

It's a theme park! The school ( bless them) take pupils from year seven, eight and nine there every year at this time. Those teachers need a medal. I have been once and thought it was mightly disappointing. A few reasons: first I don't go on rides these days because they make me as sick as a dog! Secondly, I have been to the wonderfully presented and imaginative Disneyland in Orlando in the hot sun ( and it can't be beaten) and thirdly because every theme park I have been to in UK is a grim, grimy unimaginative affair which borders in varying degrees on tacky. This could be seen as a challenge for some to prove me wrong but before you start I have been to Blackpool Pleasure Beach ( forty five minutes from us and a regular fave of teenager), Thorpe Park ( hideous), M and D's in Glasgow ( hideous), Camelot ( hideous), Lightwater valley ( ok-ish for smaller kids, but I went over five years ago so not sure now) and Flamingo Land ( which surprisingly was the best of all in my humble opinion).

It really irritates me that for some of them ( for example Thorpe Park) you have to pay to get in even if you have no intention on riding on anything. I think that is ludicrous and profiteering. All it needs is an arm band system ( such as Blackpool) and they can differentiate from the rider and non rider. I think there should be a spectator fee ( even half price would be better). I appreciate they don't have such a system as Disney, but rider or not, there is lots to do,see and enjoy ( parades, shows, gardens, little trains, displays etc) for the non- rider.

Anyway, Alton Towers is enormously popular so lots of folk obviously disagree and I can see the appeal for teenagers ... ( I know, I sound ancient). I am very glad not to be there, and happy to go into Kendal now for new glasses ( of the reading variety) and black ankle boots for the autumn. Simple pleasures...

Gone but not forgotten, and the rain comes down

I think the weather today reflects the mood of all of the Toon Army supporters: grey and gloomy. Keegan has resigned and we are looking for another manager. Anyone else prepared to drink out of the poisoned chalice?

I won't say another word about it. Fed up!

I would like to say that despite it all the weather has improved but that would be a large porky pie ( lie). Other half and I did roam around the block last night and it was ( briefly) warm and still and ( most importantly) dry. It was a real delight. We were clearing our respective heads from a day of relentless proposal writing and bids, and after an hour we felt much better. There were lots of lovely sail boats on the lake ( looked like kids under instruction) and a few tourists buzzing about admiring the fabulous views.

Today, however, it looks pretty much as per above. Very wet, very dark... and the central heating is on. We have braved it out the whole summer and have finally cracked. It is too miserable to put up with being chilled a moment longer. I feel sorry for people who won't be able to afford to put the heating on at all this winter because of the soaring fuel prices, especially the elderly, sick and those with small children. It must be such a worry for them.

We have decided to have a real fire in the winter most nights and try to keep the heating down in the rest of the house. I love autumn winter nights when the candles are lit, and the fire is burning and we are all sitting cosy together.

He's still there- the drama continues...

First of all, apologies to those of you who are reading from far away- bear with me. Soon I will be back to all things Lake District.

Excuse the continued references to football ( soccer). There is a big drama about our team manager and whether he is staying or going.

As Bill Shankly said:

'Some people believe football is a matter of life and death. I'm very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.'

My own view ( and I suppose that is what blogs are all about eh?) is that Mike Ashley ( NUFC owner) looked out the window of his office at St James' park, and realised that the fans were about to dismantle it brick by brick, and decided to think again about his decision to sack...

He won't sack ( too expensive) and Kevin won't resign... so the state of play is lawyers making more money and stalemate.

And the fans do what they do best.... sigh and wait.

King Kev- sacked!

Can I believe these forty three year old ears.... a life-long fan with the patience of a saint ( we are all patient as members of the Toon Army- it's party of the entry criteria )?

They have sacked Kevin Keegan.

I don't know the in's and out's and apparently it's not official- but if it is true all I can say- DOES ANYONE EVER GIVE THE FANS A THOUGHT IN THESE PLACES?

name tags, school shoes, and do the trousers still fit?

Yes- it's that time of year again, when you realise that your kids have grown at least two inches over the summer.



We are now organising sports bags ( one for rugby, one for watersports, one for football, one for tennis, one for hockey), school bags ( maths set, pencils, water bottle, calculator et al), school shoes and new trousers....



I am off to my wonderful friend A's house. She does my name tags. Mrs Practical I am not. Not even a name tag. She does it for me. It is less painful for everyone. As she says, I have other gifts....



Anyone out there who has more than one child, I really admire you. I find sorting out one quite enough. Sigh