Monday, 2 February 2009

terms and conditions


MEMO : TO ALL EMPLOYEES


Effective Immediately


DRESS CODE

1. It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes, a Giorgio Armani suit or carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a pay raise.

2. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a pay raise.

3. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a pay raise.


SICK DAYS

We will no longer accept a doctor's certificate as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.


HOLIDAY DAYS

Each employee will receive 52 personal days a year of holidays. They are called Sunday.


TOILET USE

1. Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minutes limit in the cubicles.

2. At the end of the three-minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the cubicle door will open, and your picture will be taken.

3. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company's notice board under the 'chronic offenders' category

.4. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.


LUNCH BREAK

1. Skinny employees get 30 minutes break for lunch, as they need to eat more so that they will look healthy.

2. Normal size employees get 15 minutes break for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.

3. Chubby employees get 5 minutes break for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a 'slim-fast.'



Thank you for your loyalty to our company. Remember, we are an employer of choice and we are here to provide positive employment experience.Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations and input should be directed elsewhere.

8 comments:

Busy Bee Suz said...

my husband sent this to me recently...I think he shared it with his few remaining employees too. :)

Expat mum said...

Reminds me of somewhere, but the rules should have included:
"If you are running a training course for 30 employees, we will reimburse you for the M&S sandwiches and your bus journey with bags full of said sandwiches from one end of Oxford Street to the other. Taxis are not an option." :-)

Lakeland Jo said...

ho ho what can you mean?

Fat, frumpy and fifty... said...

Thats really good, I think I may steal it and put it up in the staff room...

btw you are a great Mum, I salute you...a memory maker!!

Gill - That British Woman said...

that's too funny!!

Gill in Canada

Clippy Mat said...

sounds like a memo from some of the wonderful places i've worked over the years.
may they all rot in hell. :-)

Nota Bene said...

Oh oh I work there...isn't that normal?

Janet said...

Brill! :-0